ToS: The Earthen Escapades
by Cerulean Star
Summary: The party, along with Yuan, decides to take a vacation: to Earth! Unfortunately, they have no idea what life on our planet is like. And without that knowledge, their "perfect" trip can only result in disaster! ((R&R please))
1. It's a Road Trip?

**-ToS: The Earthen Escapades-  
**_by Cerulean Star_

-DISCLAIMER-

Yuan: Another story, eh?

Cerulean Star: Yep! And you're STILL my muse!

Yuan: Five dollars, please.

Cerulean Star: This is seriously draining my allowance money...(hands over the cash)

Yuan: Very well...Cerulean Star doesn't own Tales of Symphonia, it's owned by Namco.

Cerulean Star: Thank you...sigh I'm never going to have any money at this rate...

-A NOTE-

This story is an AU (alternate universe), because the ToS cast is on vacation...to Earth! Now we watch them struggle with the horrors of not being able to carry large, dangerous weapons nor the ability to use magic! And all this new, evil technology like cars and computers...what will become of the party? (Sidenote: This is for all the Yuan fans out there like myself! He's gonna play a big role in this fic, which, as you know, doesn't happen often. Yay! We all need more Yuan, do we not?)

-WARNING-

Spoiler alert! This fic does contain some minor spoilers, but not on purpose. If you've completed Disk One, or at least cleared the Tower of Salvation, then you should be okay. The only other thing you need to know is Kratos' relation to Lloyd, so if you don't, you will soon! Hehe...well, read on at your own risk!

-THIS IS A CERTIFIED CERULEAN STAR 100 PERCENT ROMANCE FREE FANFICTION-

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Chapter One:Road Trip?

It was a lovely Saturday morning at the Holiday Inn of Lansing, Michigan. Birds chirped sweetly at passerby, and the city seemed alive with the cheer of early summer. Unfortunately, this perfect picture was about to be...SERIOUSLY corrupted.

A young man, seemingly in his twenties, was leaning impatiently against the side of a large and _very_ ugly rental SUV. His long blue hair was drawn up in ponytail that hung neatly over his shoulder, and his dark indigo cape fluttered gently in the wind. However, it was 6:00 AM, and _no one _messes with the leader of the Renegades at 6:00 AM. Especially when he's in a bad mood...

"YOU _IDIOTS! _GET IN THE VAN!!!" Yuan screamed, his face flushed. This was unbelievable! Here he'd been waiting for a full hour, out by their trashy car, waiting for Lloyd to get ready. Everyone else had been more cooperative, but there always had to be that one who wouldn't listen...and now he was stuck waiting for that person. Slowly, the aforementioned Lloyd walked out the door of the inn, still half-asleep and holding a bagel in his hand.

"I'm...(yawn)...ready..." he drawled, pulling open the van's front door.

"Uh-uh! No way. You are NOT taking shotgun, Lloyd!" Yuan growled. "Kratos is sitting there."

"Aww...Dad! How could you?!" the hero whined.

"I was here first," Kratos replied. "You're sitting in the back."

Lloyd groaned. "In the BACK?! But Zelos is sitting there!"

"Deal with it." replied Yuan. "You got here last, so you get the last choice of seats. Now get in." He then moved his hand to the hilt on his lethal-looking double blade. "Or will I have to make you?"

There was a moment of silence, Lloyd's terror hovering in the air. He knew better than to mess with someone who's weapon was bigger than they were. He nodded, then obediently opened the back door and hopped in.

"Is that everyone, Kratos?" Yuan asked.

"It appears so," the Cruxis angel replied.

Five minutes later, the party was on the highway. Where they were headed, no one knew. The gang had been getting a little bit bored on their old planet, so they'd agreed to take a vacation to "observe the cultures of another world", as Raine put it. In reality, it was just an excuse to go somewhere fun and wreak havoc, but no one was going to tell HER that. Journeying to another planet was very costly, however, and they'd had to ask the Renegades to lend them some Gald. Before they knew it, Yuan had decided that he wanted to go as well. After much preparation, the crew was headed for their new destination - planet Earth. A long and excruciatingly boring trip ensued, but eventually everyone arrived safely in Lansing. They'd spent a night at a hotel (inn, as they called it), but now they were setting off once more. It had been Lloyd's idea to make this a "road trip", and no one had any objections...until now.

"Hey...where'd my breakfast go?" Lloyd asked, glaring accusingly at each party member in turn. "I know someone took it! Give it back!"

"Quit complaining, Lloyd," Raine scolded. "Unless you want us to leave you by the side of the road."

"We gave your bagel to some random hobo," Genis informed his friend.

"Huh?! Why?"

"Because it's the right thing to do," Colette said.

"What did that hobo look like?" questioned Lloyd.

"He had long blue hair...does that tell you anything?" Yuan said, popping the last bite of cream cheese bagel into his mouth.

"YOU--!!!" Lloyd gasped.

"Don't give me that look. I was waiting out here while YOU all got to have breakfast. Did _I_ get any? Did anyone bother to give me any? No. I only...used my last resort, you could say..." the Renegade leader told him.

"It was still MY bagel!" retorted the idiot hero. "By the way...what IS a bagel? They don't have them on Symphonia..."

Silence.

"Are they some kind of fruit?" Colette inquired.

"Hmm..." mumbled Genis. "I bet it's horribly poisonous!"

Lloyd grinned. "Hah! See, Yuan! Now you're gonna DIE!!!"

"No way. That 'bagel' couldn't possibly be poisonous!" Yuan replied disgustedly. _Agghhh...I'd better find myself a decent funeral home..._

"You're just saying that because you don't want to die!" Sheena said.

"Of course not!" the blue-haired one insisted. "The leader of a powerful organization couldn't possibly be felled by something so pathetic as a _bagel._"

"What if this 'bagel' is deadly poisonous like Genis said?" asked Raine. "It's very possible. You never can trust foriegn food."

"Do I look dead to you?" cried Yuan. "If I do, then there must be something wrong with your eyesight!"

"Ahh...maybe you're right. It must be a slow working poison!" Zelos declared. "So you'll probably die at some inconvenient time..."

"Oh, shut up! All of you!" Yuan shrieked. "I am NOT going to die. If I do, I'll mope around during the afterlife. OKAY?!"

"Good." he replied, even though no one had chosen to answer him. Turning his head back to the road, Yuan glared at the driver in front of him, pressing the sole of his boot harder against the gas pedal. "Can't you move any faster?!" he shouted, holding up his left hand in a position that should not be used with children in the vicinity.

"Yuan! That's not appropriate!" scolded Raine. "That man hasn't done anything wrong..."

"He's only going SIXTY! I mean, the speed thingy's a hundred, right?" Yuan asked.

"The speed limit is seventy miles per hour on the interstate highway," stated Presea.

"Don't correct me at this hour!" he fumed. "Can't you tell I'm really not in the mood for it?"

"...who decided you were gonna drive, anyway?" Genis questioned.

Yuan brandished his weapon, this time pointing one of it's edges directly at the twelve-year-old's head. "I did. Now shut up and let me drive!"

No one dared argue with that.

They drove on for a while, every party member speechless. If they'd acted any differently, they might've found a large silver blade embedded in their brain. After about an hour, Kratos noticed something.

"You know, the van is almost out of gasoline..." he observed.

"What?" Lloyd gasped. "Hey, someone pull over! We need to refill the thingymajigger!"

Grumbling, Yuan reluctantly drove (badly) into the nearest gas station. Pulling up to one of the pumps (again, very badly), he parked (horribly) and proceeded to get out and fill up the gas tank. While he was busy doing this, the rest of the gang exited the rental SUV and walked into the convenience store next to the station.

"Hey, what's all this stuff?" questioned Sheena, picking up a package of Air Heads and examining it. "This planet sure is messed up..."

"Hmm...cappa-cheeno? What's a cappa-cheeno?" Lloyd inquired to no one in particular.

"I have no idea..." replied Regal. "It appears to be some kind of drink."

"Does it restore your HP?" Kratos asked. "Must have a purpose of _some_ kind..."

"Oh, that? It's a type of coffee. Good for waking you up when you're tired!" a random man informed them as he passed.

"...waking you up...it cures Sleep?" Raine guessed.

"Maybe it would work on Yuan!" Genis cried. "Then he won't act so evil..."

"Genis, you're a genius!" cheered Lloyd.

"Yeah!" Zelos yelled. "That sounded really stupid, but let's get some! It might just save our butts!"

"How many Gald does it cost?" asked Presea.

Silence.

"The label says $1.08...so one and eight hundredths of a Gald? That can't be right..." said Regal.

"Maybe they use a different kind of currency here..." Kratos hypothesized.

"Well, let's see how cheap we can get it. Gald might be worth a lot more than whatever they use here!" Zelos replied hopefully. Lloyd filled one of the coffee cups with "X-Tra Strength Vanilla Cappucino" and brought it up to the counter.

"One o' eight, please," the store clerk told them.

"Umm...do you take Gald?" Genis said.

"We don't accept Visa, Mastercard, American Express, checks, OR Gald." replied the lady. The party groaned.

"Well, ma'am..." Zelos grinned, stepping up to the desk and leaning over it. "We really need this cappy-cheeno thing. We may just be killed without it...so if you'd be so kind as to accept our money?"

The woman glared. "Nope, not gonna happen."

"WHAAAAT???" he screamed. "My ultra-charming hunny attraction skills don't work here?!"

"Well, then..." Kratos said. "We'll just TAKE it and go." He whipped out his sword, pointing it at the helpless store clerk. Paralyzed with fear, she didn't know what else to do but stand there as the mercenary grabbed the cappucino and left the shop along with the others. Fingers trembling, she picked up the phone and dialed the number for the police station.

"Hello...is this the police? I've just been held up by some oddly-dressed people with swords and robbed of a valuable X-tra Strength Vanilla Cappucino...can you please get over here as soon as possible?"

"What?!" cried the policeman on the phone. "They stole an X-tra Strength Vanilla Cappucino? That's awful! We'll be right there."

-MEANWHILE, BACK WITH THE PARTY-

"Finally...!" Yuan said, still steaming as the others got back into the SUV of doom. "It took you long enough! What were you all doing in there?!"

"Oh, nothing..." replied Lloyd, a huge smile planted disturbingly on his face. "We got you something."

"Don't kid around with me, you dimwit!" the Renegade leader scowled. "I know you'd never do that."

"Really?" Genis asked, handing over the caffeinated beverage. Yuan's eyes grew wide

"What...is this?" he questioned. "Is it another attempt to kill me?"

"No! It's just a...what was it called?...oh yeah. Cappy-cheeno!" Colette replied.

"Fine. I will try this 'cappy-cheeno' thing..." he muttered, taking a sip. There was a moment of silent anticipation, and then...

"...? What happened? Why are you all staring at me like that?" Yuan asked, his voice now much calmer than it had been. There was a sigh of relief.

"Thank Martel...we're saved! You'd gone...evil!" Kratos told him.

"Oh, sorry. I'm always like that when it's early..." he replied, looking a bit ashamed. "Now, what was I doing again?"

"You were...driving the car...?" Sheena asked.

"Ahh...I see..."

A few seconds passed as Yuan took in this information. Driving the car...he was on the road,driving the car...

"...OH, MARTEL! AAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!"

_**CCCRRRRRRAAAAAAAASSSSSHHHHHHHH!!!!!**_

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Cerulean Star: BWAHAHAA! Cliffhangers are my frieeend...but I'm sure they aren't yours, huh?

Yuan: Gaaahhh...I hate you. Now no one will know what happens until the next chapter!

Cerulean Star: That was my plan from the very beginning! MUWAHAHA! You will ALL have to wait...well, please tell me how you like it so far! Well, if it was awful, don't tell me. Constructive criticism is much appreciated, but flames will be used to forge new weapons for Yuan so he can go and lob your head off! So no flames, please! If you all like it okay, the next chapter will be up fairly soon. Until then...!


	2. The Cappucino Arrest

**-ToS: The Earthen Escapades-**

_by Cerulean Star_

-DISCLAIMER-

Cerulean Star: Whee! Now that I've updated TMUOCGB, I can update this fic!

Yuan: How wonderful. More disclaimers...

Cerulean Star: (hands him $5) Come on, get it over with. You know you'll be doing this for a LONG time...

Yuan: This is NOT what I wanted my job to be when Tales of Symphonia ended! I _liked _being the leader of a powerful organization, thank you very much.

Cerulean Star: You still are, Yuan. This is just...a temporary employment. With bad pay.

Yuan: VERY bad pay. I can't even use it, because it's not even my own currency!

Cerulean Star: Too bad. Deal with it.

Yuan: Grr...Tales of Symphonia belongs to Namco, not this idiot here. Understood?

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_AUTHOR'S NOTE: I have nothing against policemen._

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Chapter Two: The Cappucino Arrest 

"You idiot! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DID!!!" Lloyd screamed from the back of the car, his foot partway impaled into the seat. Yuan merely glared in reply.

"It's 'look what you've done', moron..." he mumbled, pulling open the front door and getting out of the SUV to observe the graveness of their situation. Having been too busy drinking a stolen cappucino to be paying attention, he'd totaled their car by crashing it into the slow-moving semi in front of them. That semi had subsequently fallen over, and it's contents had spilled all over the road. To make matters worse, the semi had been carrying radioactive material, which had mutated the driver and several people who had been in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Fortunately, everyone in the party was fine.

"Great. Yuan, you DO know that this was a rental car, right?" Kratos asked, stepping out of the ruined vehicle.

"Of course I do...that's why I'm staring blankly off into the distance with no idea whatsoever of what to do next," Yuan replied.

"For starters," suggested Kratos, "we could get everyone out of the van. It's kind of...destroyed." His friend nodded, still holding the cappucino cup in one hand.

"Get out of the car!" he told them, raising his voice to make sure everyone was listening. "It's no use staying in there and waiting for that green...stuff over there to get near us!" Obediantly, Lloyd and the others clambered out of the SUV's remains. Cars flew past them, the drivers taking in the horrors of the crash and acting almost hypnotized by it until they hit the radioactive liquid. Their vehicles then transformed into evil creatures that promptly ran off and destroyed the nearest town.

"Umm...now what?" Genis asked, nervous. Before anyone got the chance to answer him, several police cars pulled up. Two of them didn't manage to avoid the biohazardous goo, but the third calmly drove over to them. The policeman stepped out of the car, holding a gun that was pointed directly at the party.

"Ehh, what do you want?" Yuan growled.

"Are you the ones who started this fiasco?" the cop questioned them.

"No, of course not!" the Renegade leader replied. "The semi was moving WAY too slowly..." The officer of the law simply frowned.

"_Sure,_"he said sarcastically. "_Too slow. _I think a more accurate description of what happened would be that **you **weren't paying attention. You're under arrest!"

"What?!" Sheena cried. "But we didn't do anything!"

"Really? Then what is THAT???" He pointed accusingly to the cappucino cup in Yuan's hand.

"It's..." Yuan read the label. "an X-Tra Strength Vanilla Cappucino. Is there something wrong with that?"

"Yes!" yelled the cop. "I heard from the clerk of a nearby gas station that a group of odd-looking foreigners held her up and stole that very same kind of coffee. And you _do _look awfully suspicious...the worst criminals always have blue hair."

"How does my HAIR COLOR make me guilty?!?" shouted Yuan. The policeman glared at him, snapping a pair of handcuffs onto his wrists. His eyes then turned to the other blue-haired member of the group...

"Hey, you! I know you!" he said, seeing Regal. "You're that escaped convict who stole a Wild Cherry Cappucino at the gas station in Las Vegas! We've been hunting you down for ages!"

"...hmm?" Regal asked, confused. "I never stole anything. I was arrested for murder..."

"Oh, that's all?" said the cop. "Okay then, you're clear. You--" he turned to Yuan again-- "are going to jail. For the highest possible crime in the United States: cappucino theft!"

"But...what about the SUV?" Yuan inquired. "We crashed it..."

"That doesn't matter." the policeman replied. "You stole a cappucino, a GOOD cappucino, and that's the worst of the worst. Nothing else you've done is important." Tugging at Yuan's handcuffs, he led him into the car. He then locked the door, getting into the front seat himself.

"No..." Raine gasped. "They'll drive right into the radioactive material and mutate! There's no way to avoid it!"

"Too bad for them!" Zelos laughed. "I never liked Yuan much, anyway."

The car sped forward, straight into the goo. It stopped abruptly, shuddering for a moment. With a horrible roar, it transformed into a gigantic pink caterpillar and inched away to begin it's world domination.

"Urghhh..." groaned Yuan, getting up off the ground to watch the caterpillar leave. "It let me go, thank Martel..." He wandered back over to join the others, handcuffs still tying his arms together.

"You know, you look a lot like Regal now..." Presea told him. Yuan looked down at his handcuffs for a moment, scowling. Muttering a spell, he summoned lightning from the sky. With a satisfying "zap", the bolt obliterated the bonds that kept him from moving his hands correctly.

"So, now we're wanted criminals," Colette said, as cheerful as ever.

"How do you suppose we get out of THIS one?" Raine questioned.

"We don't get caught!" Zelos exclaimed brightly.

"I suppose that's a logical idea..." replied Kratos.

"You guys?" Lloyd asked. "That would be fine if it weren't for the fact that we no longer have a car..."

"...oh." stated Yuan, looking a bit ashamed at the fact that this was his fault. His brilliant sapphire eyes darted around, hoping that they'd spot something useful. And, luckily for him, they found it.

"What's that over there?" he said, referring to an abandoned RV that was parked nearby. This vehicle in fact was much worse than the one they'd previously had, it's raw metal-plated sides thick with graffiti and revolting smears of grease and grime. Alas, it was the only car for miles around that could hold eleven confused Symphonians at the same time and still give them room to breathe. Sighing heavily, Yuan clambered into the passenger side of the wretched trailer, Kratos getting into the driver's seat this time.

"I see you've decided that you aren't cut out for driving, Yuan," Kratos said.

"Yeah..." Yuan replied. "If I tried to drive again, everyone would probably throw a fit." The former Cruxis angel nodded, as the group piled in through the side door. With a deafening slam, it fell closed. The engine revved up, and the horrible RV took off, barely squeezing past the goo of death that could've turned it into the next Godzilla.

"Where are we headed next?" Genis inquired to no one in particular.

"Hey, look at that!" said Lloyd, jabbing his index finger in the direction of a large, blatantly obvious billboard. "Michigan's Adventure Theme Park...sounds fun!"

"Theme park? We had a smaller one of those back on Symphonia..." Raine observed.

"It sounds cool!" shrieked Genis. "Come on, let's go!" Kratos groaned, putting a hand to his forehead in exasperation.

"If you insist..." he conceded, giving the steering wheel a sharp turn to the left and speeding away from the interstate highway.

"Hey, Kratos?" said Yuan. "Aren't we going to stop for lunch somewhere? I remember the theme park in Tethe'alla being really expensive."

"Hmm...that's a decent idea." Kratos replied. "It looks like there's a restaurant of sorts just ahead. Is...McDonald's...okay?" Before anyone got a chance to respond, the Seraphim drove into McDonald's without a second thought.

"Aaagh!" Colette screamed as the RV rammed into the side of the fast food restaurant. Kratos shrugged.

"Well, it DID say "drove into McDonald's"..." he admitted. The party groaned.

"You were supposed to drive into the parking lot, not into the building!" Sheena complained.

_Fine, then..._ thought the author. _If you're going to be that way, we'll just...do it over..._

There was a brilliant flash of eerie green light (during which several passerby screamed "ALIENS!"), and the unknowing adventurers were transported back one minute in time.

"Hmm...that's a decent idea." Kratos replied. "It looks like there's a restaurant of sorts just ahead. Is...McDonald's...okay?" Before anyone got a chance to respond, the Seraphim drove into **_the McDonald's parking lot _**without a second though.

"All RIGHT! I get it already..." he hissed, parking their utterly junked-up vehicle and stepping out. "We're here. Let's see how good this Earth food is." Each of them got out of the RV in turn, walking through the trademark glass doors and into the burger joint. Little did they know that the events that were soon to take place in this very building were only the beginning of a vacation gone wrong...

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Cerulean Star: That chapter was a bit short for me, but I guess it can't be helped. Hopefully you're all enjoying this fanfiction so far; there's lots more to come!

Yuan: Ehh...it was okay. Why is everything always MY fault in this story?

Cerulean Star: Uh...well...(sigh) I have no idea. Because you're my favorite character, and it's funny...

Yuan: (groan)

Cerulean Star: Anyway, please review! I always like to know what people think of my writing...even if they think it's bad. Wait...if you think it's bad, don't review or it'll be a flame. Remember, constructive criticism is always very much appreciated! If you think you can help me improve, please tell me how! It won't get better unless you want it to, and if you want it to, you'll have to help me out! I can't satisfy everyone's opinions, but I'll do my best. Next chapter will be up soon!

Yuan: Review. Cerulean Star made me say that...I hate being a muse...


	3. McDonald's Madness

**-ToS: The Earthen Escapades-**

_by Cerulean Star_

-DISCLAIMER-

Cerulean Star: Well, here we go again. (sigh)

Yuan: I hate this job. Why don't you hire Kratos to do it instead?

Cerulean Star: Um… I don't know. I'll ask him. KRATOS!

Kratos: Hmph. What do you want?

Cerulean Star: Will you do the disclaimer? Please?

Yuan: Hey! You didn't ask ME all nicely!

Cerulean Star: Oh, be quiet. Well?

Kratos: Fine. Cerulean Star doesn't own Tales of Symphonia. All of us and everything else in it is the property of Namco…

Cerulean Star: Thanks. You can go now.

Yuan: See? He did a much better job than me. Why don't you hire him to do it?

Cerulean Star: Because I like having you do the disclaimers. It's fun to watch you get mad.

Yuan: (glares)

* * *

  
Chapter Three: McDonald's Madness 

The party looked around, gazing in awe at the frightening bright colors and disturbing decorations that made up the local McDonald's. Children screamed obnoxiously as they sped to and from the "playplace" that was situated nearby. But the first thing our heroes saw when they looked straight ahead was probably the scariest thing they'd ever see in their entire lives.

"Aaaagh! What _is_ that thing!" Colette cried, pointing at a large and very obvious Ronald McDonald statue. Its plastic face grinned menacingly back at the group, giving them the eerie feeling that they were being watched.

"What DO these Earthlings come up with?" inquired Raine, shaking her head. "Is this supposed to make people run away in fear? That's pretty poor advertising…"

Meanwhile, as the gang stared in terror at the Ronald statue, Yuan had wandered off and gotten in the Never-Ending Line of the Apocalypse so he could get some lunch for everyone. Okay, he was only planning to buy for himself. So what?

After a few more minutes of hypnotized gazing, the gang got bored of the horrific plastic man and proceeded to explore their surroundings. Lloyd, Colette, and Genis went off to look at the playplace, while Zelos flirted with some nearby teenagers and Kratos mused to himself at an empty table. Raine began a thorough examination of the soda dispenser, and Regal and Presea stood around, attracting stares mainly because of their oddly-colored hair.

"Yargh! How long is this thing gonna TAKE?" Yuan growled, poking the person in front of him with the edge of his double-bladed polearm. When said person dropped to the ground with a bloody gash in the back of their head, he decided not to comment. Best not to look suspicious.

The Never-Ending Line of the Apocalypse slowly moved forward, still seeming as if it would last for an eternity. Luckily, Yuan happened to be virtually immortal, meaning that he COULD stand there for an eternity until everyone else in the line passed away and he got his turn. Yes, he'd probably die from starvation and dehydration before then, but hey. It's just a thought.

As the group mingled around, doing their best to fit in with the "ordinary" humans (and failing miserably, might I add), the line inched to a halt. A gigantically fat man, standing at the cue's front, placed an order for exactly…

Twelve hamburgers, nine cheeseburgers, four Filet-o-Fish sandwiches, twenty-three Happy Meals, thirty-six boxes of Chicken Nuggets (holding eight pieces each), fifteen double cheeseburgers, and forty-one soft drinks: ten Cokes, two Mountain Dews, seventeen root beers, eight orange sodas, three ice waters, and a Pepsi. Oh, and sixty-nine Big Macs. Mmyep.

With a cry of anguish, Yuan fell to his knees. Why did it always come to this? Now he'd never be able to get to the front of the line and make his order. _I will have my revenge…_ he schemed, fixing his sapphire-eyed glare on the fat man. _You will pay for this…_

While the Renegade leader struggled with his line problem, Lloyd had gotten himself stuck in one of the slides in the playplace. He should've looked at the sign that read "CHILDREN 12 AND UNDER ONLY". He should've realized that the slide was much too small for him to fit through. He should've taken the advice of the tiny five-year-old who had informed him that "You's too big to pway on the pwaypwace…" But, being the idiot he usually is, Lloyd hadn't listened. And now he was firmly wedged in the bright orange slide of doom, with no way out.

"Damn…" he swore, wishing he'd never even bothered to look twice at the infernal contraption of tubes and ladders that served as entertainment for the young children of the area. Colette and Genis were doing their best to pull him out, yet through their efforts he was even more stuck than before. After accidentally giving the silver-haired half-elf a foot to the face, Lloyd's friends had left to go see what was going on with everyone else. And there he sat, unable to move, being laughed at by the occasional passing kid. This sucked.

Three hours of boredom, frustration, and outright insanity later, the party wasn't in a better predicament than they had been before. Yuan still stood impatiently in the Never-Ending Line of the Apocalypse, waiting for the fat man to finish receiving his order. Lloyd was still stuck, and the rest of the group was sitting at random tables and hoping that Yuan would bring something back for them. They weren't getting in that line. No way.

Once five full hours had passed, however, things began to look brighter for the mismatched team. Yuan was now making his way to the front of the line, the fat man having finished collecting his order (not to mention being chopped into many small pieces by our favorite blue-haired Renegade). Lloyd had freed himself from the slide of death, and joined everyone else in waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Oh, and did I mention waiting?

Seven hours. That's how long the Never-Ending Line of the Apocalypse lasted for Yuan. As the clock chimed 8:00 PM, he collapsed on the counter.

"I…made it…" he gasped, peering up at the acne-faced counter slave. Feeling relief wash over him, his eyes turned to focus on the menu. Of course, he wasn't going to simply make an order and walk away happy. He couldn't. For one basic reason: _he didn't know what the hell any of the stuff on the menu WAS._

"Err…umm…" Yuan stuttered, pointing at one of the many food items on the selection board. "…what's that?"

The cashier groaned, explaining all about what a cheeseburger was to the confused man. In truth, he didn't understand at all, but he nodded and ordered one anyway. Zelos waved to him from a table, shouting something about wanting a Big Mac. Even though he didn't know what it was. Lloyd followed suit, complaining that he absolutely needed a couple hamburgers and some fries. Colette cried out that she needed a strawberry milkshake and a Caesar salad. And before Yuan knew it, he was handed a list with roughly twenty different items, none of which he had ever known existed. Muttering something, he handed the list to the acne-faced counter slave.

"That'll be 54.78, sir…" she demanded, holding out her hand and expecting a large wad of cash to be dumped into it. Yuan backed away, suddenly remembering that they didn't HAVE any of these "dollars" that were required to purchase absolutely everything.

"KRATOS! Give me a hand over here!" he called. Kratos walked over, and to everyone surprise, gave the counter-slave three twenty-dollar bills. She gave him the change for them, and headed into the back of the shop to prepare their food.

"…where did you get that?" Regal asked, pointing to the money in Kratos' hand.

"Hmph. I had that man give it to me," he replied, pointing to a trembling guy in a far corner of the restaurant.

"Ah. I see," was the convict's reply as he resumed his seat at the table.

Twenty long, drawn-out minutes afterwards, the party was presented with a large tray of burgers, sodas, salads, chicken nuggets, and pretty much everything else you can order at McDonalds. As the waitress walked away, they all stared at the mound of food.

"Who ordered what?" Sheena questioned.

"Well, hunny…I have no idea," admitted Zelos, jabbing at a particularly squishy burger with a plastic straw. It made a squish noise. But I bet you didn't want to know that.

"I suppose we'll have no choice but to guess," Presea said. Silently agreeing, everyone reached out and randomly grabbed miscellaneous items off the tray. Once there was nothing left, they slowly opened their individual packages and started eating.

"Hmm…not so bad…" Lloyd commented, biting into a hamburger.

"NOT so bad?" Yuan replied, impaling a chicken nugget on a fork he'd stolen from someone a while back. "I can't stand the stuff. Here, you want mine?" He threw the box of chicken nuggets at Lloyd, hitting him square in the face and making his nose bleed.

"Oww! Watch it!" the chestnut-haired boy exclaimed. "Those things are deadly!"

Yuan snickered. "I know. That's why I'm giving them to you."

"Oh, how kind of you…" Lloyd said sarcastically.

After several minutes of testing, there was a nearly unanimous vote that the food at McDonald's wasn't any good. Lloyd had been given everything unwanted, even though he constantly protested that he'd had enough. As the gang got up and watched as several hobos ran in and stole all their leftovers, they noticed one thing that had been left _completely untouched._

"What's this?" asked Kratos, holding up a bottle labeled 'Pepsi Holiday Spice'.

"I have no idea. Why don't you try it, Zelos?" Raine suggested, handing it to him. The perv shrugged, opening the bottle and taking a drink from it. There was a moment of stunned silence, and then…

"Aaaack! Ew! YUCK! What's IN this stuff?" Zelos cried, spitting Pepsi Holiday Spice all over everyone and everything. He chucked the bottle out the window, clonking a hobo over the head and knocking him unconscious. And if you're wondering, it WAS the same hobo who had stolen their food just moments previously.

"Well, that was pointless," sighed Yuan, opening the door and walking outside. "Let's get out of here. I hate this place."

"Yeah…" Genis agreed. "Why don't we go to that theme park place? It sounded fun…"

* * *

Cerulean Star: MUWAHAHAHAHAA! In the next chapter, we get to see the heroes visit…Michigan's Adventure! (dun dun DUN) 

Yuan: Oh, really.

Cerulean Star: Yep! If you didn't know, it's a real amusement park _somewhere in Michigan. _Okay? Just making sure you're all informed.

Yuan: Everyone review, okay? Because the more you review, the more Cerulean Star will write. And the more she writes, the closer I get to being done with this job! SO REVIEW!

Cerulean Star: At least he has a positive attitude now…


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